hikari*

Friday, April 10, 2009Y

First Love

First love is a nostalgic thing.

Like how the famous Utada Hikaru song goes, I agree to the part " I remember to love, you taught me how". Nostalgic is the most fitting word I can use - neither negative nor positive, an old sense of magic, seeing yourself frame by frame in slow-motion during the relationship, reliving the laughter and tears.

I think what makes our first love special is - the person we were when we braved into it.

I still remember mine started with a sense of confusion. Being the most unreceptive romance satellite ever, I was not aware of my own feelings at all. He was one of my best friends during then and he was different from the rest. Different, in a very apparent and also subtle way.

It happened due to an internet prank - woohoo. The internet and all those chatting software are life-threateningly dangerous when it comes to these kind of things. It is funny how such a small 'communication' could start so many things. But after so many years, I wonder if it was a matter of convenience (knowing we had mutual feelings), fleeting feelings (impulse and impulse) and curiosity (in my case towards the person and the whole relationship 'thing', pak toh wor!! Me wor!!).

Regardless of how it started, it ended. Recording a time of 2.5 years.

Regardless of it having ended, it is valuable.

From the first time I properly laid my eyes on him, told him my secrets, cried my eyes out in front of him and laughed myself silly for nothing. To the first time I got angry at every other things, fought with him over matters huge then trivial, realized things had gotten out of hand to making the decision of moving on.

I am sure everyone has survived these!

Valuable. During this 2.5 years, I learnt to love, to speak and to stand up for myself. Seeing the way I was before that - hermit and all - I would have ended up being quiet and scared like that until forever perhaps. And because people change as they grow, it is often so easy to see two person walking opposite paths. And when this happens, it is often better to say the harsh goodbyes before one drags the other selfishly against her own personal growth or both stalls in points of life none of them desire. At least, I think.

At the end of the day, I would still thank him for the time and effort and honesty he put into the brief yet so valuable nostalgic time we had together.

There are always different reactions when it comes to the end. "I don't want to love again, it is painful." "I am going to get a better boy/girlfriend!" "For now, I just want to be a singleton again." "I'll let fate do its wonders."

For me, I was "I want to be a singleton again" (0 month) before changing to "Let's see what destiny has in store for me!" (6 months) to "I want a boyfriend!" (9 months). I was not desperate la, okay. I just wanted a boyfriend and was not afraid to joke about it. In fact, Shuk Ye gave me a pink crystal bracelet for my birthday that year as it is supposed to bring luck in love and one of the first few things I told WenJi was I wanted a boyfriend.

And of course, then I went over to Australia and received a surprise at the Monash Residential Services office the same day my parents left me in the halls.

"Hi, my name is Raymond," and we shook hands. One of the many traditional things he would do in the future. It was not electrifying or anything like that.

Unlike my first relationship, everything was slow, calm, clear (not always but...) and peaceful.

It started in the most natural way and one thing I learnt from the moment we started?

'First love' is not numeracy at all, it is all about the feelings and emotions.

I found 'first love' with this relationship. This time around, stronger and surer.

I could never write anything like this last time. Nor could I fail at being angry for a long time. Nor could I fail at stifling a laugh. Nor could I listen whole-heartedly to complaints. Nor could I wait to just see someone. Nor could I accept what someone says so easily. Nor could I just talk about everything and anything in my heart. Nor could I talk about the future and believe in it.

Believe it or not, I am still in my 'first love' state right now.

In pyjamas, after cereal with milk, on an Easter Friday, wearing my grandma glasses and grinning silly while Mr Tan is probably munching on DimSum somewhere far away.

**Inspired by the Japanese drama 'Majo no Jouken' with Utada Hikaru's 'First Love' as the soundtrack :-)

Labels: Emo-ing, Girl Talk, Just Me, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 10:06 AM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Tuesday, April 07, 2009Y

Misunderstood

I love talking. I love laughing. I love the company of others. I love people. I love being myself.

But.

That doesn't mean.

I love being the entertainer. I love playing the clown. I love being the attention seeker. I love making others love me.

I don't want to be misunderstood.
I love being all that.
But one can even get tired doing what one loves if it is not reciprocated.

Maybe I am just selfish or arrogant.
But with the crushed feeling of being misunderstood I have right now, maybe I am trying too hard or too desperate instead.

Labels: Emo-ing, Just Me, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 11:34 PM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

My mind is buzzing

These days of jobhunting has seen me being the most bored. Not in a depressed sense, but at least physically and mentally. This, in turn, led me to realise that the mind is actually very active.

Despite sitting on the same spot, doing nothing and having nothing to do - a million thoughts still cross my mind. Like the Brownian motion of an atom.

Here I present you with a snippet of what goes through my mind as my Windows Media Player shuffles different songs. Like a live broadcast of my thoughts, here goes. . . (click on the song titles to listen)

The first song is surprisingly Suteki Da Ne. I still remember the first time I heard this song was when I bought the set of VCDs summarising the whole Final Fantasy X game. I knew of this song back when I have yet to meet Ray but listened to it most when I was on LDR with him. The chorus goes, "Isn't it wonderful, if we can hold hands and walk together, I want to go to your town, your house, no into you arms". Something like that la.

Which reminds me of the time I brought my Playstation 2 home. I still remember my Sister's need of the toilet completely vanished suddenly and miraculously as soon as we bought the console. I remember how disappointed we were when we heard Yuna's voice in English and how my Sister got killed off by a random Wendigo. Hohoho. A RANDOM WENDIGO.

Itsuka means 'Someday'. Someday. Have any of you ever thought of what you want to see yourself as someday? Is this someday of yours in a definite timeframe or is it just an unattainable dream? Until then, until your very own 'Someday', perhaps now is the time to work harder and dream a little more. Things important to be kept up during this stage of life: energy, motivation, faith.

Water from Final Fantasy VII AC is such a serene yet haunting piece. I feel like I am moving forward in my own pace and there is only me alone going against a soft current.

Dearly Beloved. The thought of being here while my family and close friends are back in Malaysia is somewhat - bitter. There are so many events I have to no choice but miss out on. And that very piece of memory, would see me absent when I could have not only be present but made a difference.

Denki Iruka Kimyou na Shikou. Electric Dolphin Strange Taste. "Sunday wake up drive me to beach. . . I'm singing in the rain, it's my way. . .I believe in the meaning of singing" Never fails to put a smile on my face. I really would like to escape to the beach now. To just lie down on the sand with my Haruki Murakami, some noisy friends and a peaceful mind. But it has been too cold lately. Anyway, just imagining it makes me happy enough. Where to go for Easter!!

Te o Tsunagou (Ayaka) which means "Let's hold hands". We are such small beings in this world. While we are surviving this so called economic crisis, I wonder if the Earth cares. After all, we have not been taking care of our own home, the Earth, well not have we been nice to our own friends, the animals and plants. There is so much we can do, if only everyone can stand united and join forces.

Communication is so hard and complicated. Maybe that is why it is so important. If you can find someone whom you can communicate with while being totally yourself and at the same time, achieve understanding and build mutual respect - consider yourself lucky and treasure this bond. Holding hands - I have always thought of it as something over-rated in relationships but the truth is, it's so special.

Kekkonsiki (The Wedding Ceremony - FF10). A lot of my friends are getting married this year! I wonder why. Is everyone going for the 9th of September 2009 - (the triple 9 meaning 'long long nine nine' in Chinese). Heck, even I almost got engaged on April's Fool! I really wanna be a bridesmaid :-(

Sunadokei (Hourglass - 1 Litre of Tears OST). Time is passing by. I want to make full use of my time. I might still be lost right now, but I guess it is alright as long as I do not lose my focus and can still be peaceful with myself. Maybe I should spend this period of time working towards an 'hourglass' body figure instead ;-) Time is passing by but nothing is ever too late.

Passion by Utada Hikaru. I always have this kind of question,"If I. . . ,will I be able to. . . ?" And if this goes on without action it will eventually end up being either "If only. . . " or "What if. . ." scenarios. And both scenarios are always countered with an "I told you so" from others. Something I believe a lot of people dread hearing.

Most times, I don't need anyone to tell me so. I have the answer. I just need the encouragement or convincing or courage to believe in what I have in me.

****

It has been less than 30 minutes of me typing out whatever crossed my mind. My mind is still active . . and still fascinating to me.

Labels: Emo-ing, Just Me

indulged at 9:21 AM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Saturday, April 04, 2009Y

We are alright now

I had a girly chat (Daniel was there as well in case anyone is curious) with some friends last night. Some known since my first stay here and some met only last year.

I love long nights of sitting around with hot tea or chocolate where everyone does nothing but talk, talk and talk then laugh, laugh and laugh.

Last night was particularly interesting and girlish (Daniel was there as well in case anyone is still curious) - make up for the first time, cringe-worthy fashion sense, teenage-reaction towards boys. The most glorious moments in our lives :-)

The conclusion was: Everyone has grown up in their own way and am happy with the way they are.

Ironic as this was usually the last thing you would have expected while you were sulking or rebelling or still lost as a teenager.

Starting college, there was this girl who used to match baby T-shirts with long flowy skirts and sports shoes without forgetting her backpack while I wore high-waisted shorts (high waist wasn't really a trend back then) with . . . whatever.

Alone, there is this girl who experiments with eye make-up until it seemed like she got a heavy punch to her eyes while my turquoise-up-to-my-eyebrow eyeshadow story prevails.

In high school, there was this girl who despises boys just to hide her own excitement and curiosity towards them while I gets stunned, ponder for 5 seconds (for what seems like eternity to me usually) before answering ". . . Really ah?" everytime I try to answer something in a cool way.

When complimented, there was this girl who used to ponder whether to smile or to answer "Er, you also not bad what. . " while I get stunned, ponder for 5 seconds (for what seems like eternity to me usually) before answering ". . . Really ah?" everytime I try to answer in a cool way.

In terms of girlfriends, there was this girl whose best friends were all the 'flowers of the school' and were really popular making her feel awkward while my primary school friends all got upgraded to 'hot property' upon entering high school and in an unfair twist, I became a hermit and shut myself out.

Appearance-wise, there was this girl who used to think she was the most gorgeous female on the streets eventhough in fact she was dressed like a Christmas Tree while I insisted on my no sleeveless or short pants principle.

In high school, there was this guy who fell in love and lost his confidence and courage because of love during high school while I has no confidence and zero courage for love and fell in love after that in high school.

After about 2 hours of talking - with the topics flowing endlessly - we all heaved a sigh and smiled a bit with eyes casted towards the carpeted floor.

We are alright now, aren't we?

The night ended with everyone getting to their cars, thousands of goodbyes and plans to watch the Shinjuku Incident together the following night. And I couldn't ask for more.

Labels: Emo-ing, Girl Talk, Just Me

indulged at 3:42 PM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Wednesday, April 01, 2009Y

Words of Wisdom from Women in My Life

Words of wisdom from Women in my Life

Mum

"If you do not speak up, you will always be just quiet and never heard"

"Wanting to look pretty is nothing to be embarassed about"

"Your black face (chinese term) says you dislike everyone/everything although you might not think like that"

"Girls don't have to act dumber to appeal to guys, just don't be proud or harsh when you are smart"

"You don't need to look pretty/sexy/beautiful, just presentable"

"Just because you don't have a boyfriend, it doesn't mean you are in any way lesser than others"

"Just because you are my daughter, you know you can come to me in times of failures/disappointment"

"Honesty is sometimes not easy but always the most appreciated approach"

"Remember - even a phone call means a lot"

YiMa

"A girl must know how to take care of herself and love herself - be it beautiful lingeries or a nice long massage"

"If you are only going to complain and do nothing about it, stop wasting my time and your time"

"You are you. He is him. Just because you are in a relationship, it doesn't mean that your identities have to be gone"

"There is no need to be too bothered by what others say - as long as the people who matters understand and you are at peace with who you are"

"Never believe in hairdressers, there is never volume in your hair when they promise it"

"Do not be too harsh on yourself, you only live once"

"Never be too angry over someone else, you do not deserve that wrinkle or lost of appetite"

"Dieting is one thing, appreciating food while you can is another and both are equally important"

Aunt Bing

"Be thankful for what you have cause the future can always change or take something away from you"

"Learn to rely on your family"

"This is tough but it is sometimes necessary to learn to let go of your pride"

"Sometimes, there are things which you have no choice but do"

"As a girlfriend, one must know when to give in and when to stand up for oneself"

Grandma (Porky)

"Your grandpa was handsome and really nice, but it all changed after marriage, I wonder what happened"

"Life was never easy with five kids and a useless husband but those are your own kids and own husband"

"I am so old and I never thought I would ever get the chance to see real snow, so I am happy"

"You get bullied for being lesser than others, but the truth is, only those who are arrogant enough to see or pinpoint this weakness of yours will do the bullying"

"It is very important to be educated and see more of the world, then you can tell me about it"

Grandma (Sibuga)

"A girl must know how to act like a lady"

"You are obedient and nice, that is all that matters to a grandma"

"Cooking is a good thing to learn, to teach to your kids next time and tell them your grandma used to cook this all the time"

"I cannot read and write, but that does not mean I know a lot less than others"

"Do not be blinded by wealth/career, a woman needs to find a good man and love and marry"

"You might think you don't need a man now, but why not find a good companion and see your own kids"

Labels: Emo-ing, Girl Talk, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 9:53 AM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Monday, March 30, 2009Y

Breathe new

I took a break over the weekend to take a step back and look at my life. Ever since returning here, I have been committed to the mission of jobhunting and conserving of resources. In fact, I must say, I was so focused on these missions that I was suppressing my desires and feeling guilty whenever I had too much fun - all the while thinking that it was totally natural to feel so.

Examining my days in slow-mo over the month, the days were not unhappy nor were they depressing.

Going to Clayton town for groceries. Catching up with friends. Thinking of what to cook for dinner.

Sweating off in the gym. Drifting away to the beat of my favourite music. Indulging in my own thoughts as I walk slowly home.

Cooking up a feast. Waiting for everyone to come back. Talking and talking over dinner. With Ray, LiLet, WenJi and sometimes even Olivia, Yikki and Daniel. Changing into flowery sleepwear. Spending time with everyone in the house - gossipping, talking our hearts out, whining, laughing. Sweet dreams.

I honestly think that these days were not unhappy nor depressing. Just relaxing and slow. Or maybe, mundane, boring and unsatisfying for the young and restless ones - like me.

However, there had been a lot of events which brightened up some days. Sending a jolt a small electrical jolt to this otherwise very still system I am currently living in.

LiLet's bunnies, which she kept at our place for a while, gave birth to 5 very tiny black bunnies.

Olivia invited us over to her new place for dinner. Amy and I made it a 'beach party'. Well, we 2 were the only ones in the beach party style though.

Everyone was nice enough to understand and keep me excited with small gestures like this. Telling me about their day, tempting me with supper-run, organising gatherings.

Especially Mr Tan. Not the most exciting or active person in the world but he had been nothing short of amazing during these frustrating days. Putting up with my emotional rollercoaster, doing silly stunts lame people like me like-y, giving me reasons to enjoy myself, bringing me out for a breathe of air.

Just before he went off outstation at Deep Lead (I had been telling everyone it was at 'New Lead'), we went to this Japanese Restaurant called Yokohama in Glen Waverley. It was not bad!

You see, I came to a realisation after evaluating these days in the past month. I was being suppressive and in denial of most of my desires, be it highly sinful ones like a PSP with FF Dissidia in it or plain innocent ones like going window shopping with the girls. What I should do is to secure a job.

What I overlooked was - What I should so is secure a job, but that is not the only thing I should or could do.

As I suppress myself, I could feel my energy draining away. Job-hunting was no longer of passion or interest or hopes, but of duty or frustration and a matter of automation. Other things I do like cooking and exercising for example, were no longer of fun or enjoyment, but of to kill time and make myself feel useful.

Where was my passion to live?

Do I want these days to be a matter of killing time or making myself feel useful?

The truth is these days are mundane and boring. I feel restless at times. But the days were only so because I let them be so.

My perspective is all that caused it. Again, these days were mundane and boring but I am the only one who can decide how exciting my own days can be. There is only so much I can do each day but I alone control how passionate I can be at doing all that I can.

As long as I am living every moment, with passion, I am sure these days will be worth a story.

Right after the weekend of realisation, I could feel a turning point in my life. A fresh new start is what I am looking forward to making happen. A lot happened during this very weekend. Everything based in reality but yet so surreal and inspiring, after processed by the mind.

Breath.

That means, dressing up on a beautiful Saturday morning and crusing out with a girlfriend. WenJi needed to go for a haircut so I tagged along. We always go to this hairdresser in Prahran called Taka. The place is called Tsumiki and is the cosiest and prettiest saloon I have ever seen. Other than that, they have the latest ViVi magazines and $10 fringe cuts. Despite the low price, Taka is always so detailed and attentive. It makes it feel like a $100 fringe cute. But for whole-head trimming, it costs $70 eek. I learnt it the hard way.

WenJi with the tall gold rimmed mirror, chandelier and the morning light from the tall windows.

A small gold rimmed mirror with my legs.

I love the fire-wood place near the mirror.

The view from the window.

After that WenJi suggested lunch at Laurent Patisserie. So we sped all the way to Chadstone to share an iced chocolate and two precious desserts. Mine was a bombastically chocolate piece called 'Christine' while WenJi's was a nice slice of custard and fine layers of pastry. Olivia joined us a while later and we embarked on a shopping sessions exclusively for girls.

After coming home at 5 pm, WenJi and I went out for a jog at a trail near our house. The official jog ended in 20 minutes but the geniuses got lost after taking a supposingly reliable detour. We touched the wall-thing we always see while driving along M1, WenJi screamed her lungs out when barked at by a black puppy before apologising to the dog's owner who was making up at her front door, went uphill and downhill and crossed M1 on an overhead bridge.

I have never been that happy to see a car before. So the unofficial time of our jog was 50 minutes.

Seeing how I spent this Saturday, I would have been suffocated by guilt by the end of the day but I was genuinely happy on that day. A bit guilty still, but I felt like I could breathe all over again.

Labels: Emo-ing, Just Me, Out There Somewhere, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 11:45 AM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Tuesday, March 24, 2009Y

Yours Truly

"I am glad I was able to meet you."

This is something I would wanna say to a lot of special someones who stayed with me and supported me throughout this tough journey called 'life'.

"I am thankful I have you by my side."

This is something I would wanna say to that very special someone who I am sure knows without a doubt, these very true words are for him and only him.

Love can take many different forms. There are two general categories - one you were born with and one you meet with the help of destiny.

While the former kind is amazing, I personally think the latter kind is just, beautiful.

To meet that very special one out of all the billions of people out there.
To get to know each other in a way unique to both of you.
To fall in love and to be fallen in love with.
To build a bond just between two very people in this whole wide world.
To see the laughter, tears, anger and fear of each other.

To create a world of two of you.

This is the kind of love you found, nurtured, protected, worked hard for and celebrated.
This is the kind of love you wish to bring upon your future generation.
This is the kind of love which makes you look at him/her, or even a vase, and sigh . . .

"I am so thankful I have him by my side."

Labels: Emo-ing, Just Me, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 11:28 PM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Tuesday, March 17, 2009Y

Fresh

One of the things I love about being in Australia: F R E S H.

When I came over here, I was looking forward towards: a fresh start - new environment, new poeple, new place, new prospects.

In fact everything seems so much more fresher here.

The air, the fruits, the vegetables, the flowers.

I started having new likes: grocery shopping, cooking, colourful rows of fruits, meeting new people and so on.

I started having new dislikes: routine, mundane days, lack of passion, and so on.

Out of my first year in Aussie, I can say that I learnt that I am someone who desires fresh changes and passion and movement. Maybe one of the reason was cause that very year, I was turning 20 and for the first time I really heard my biological clock ticking. Woopsie.

It was not that apparent then, but it is now.

I do not want to go through any day without really 'feeling' the day.

I do not want to sit through the whole day: absent minded, empty, felt nothing.

Even if the day was uneventful, I want to make it a day I 'lived'.

If I am going to be sad, I want to feel every bit of it.

If I am going to be happy, I want to show every bit of it.

If I am going to do cook, I want to cook something interesting.

If I am going to run, I want to sweat along to my favourite music.

If I am going to spend time with someone, I want to make every moment out of it.

I want to leave no space for boredom in my life.

I want to appreciate every single moment, make the best out of my time.

Certainly we do not grow any younger. The time used to sit around stoning is the time we wasted - no memories, no discoveries, no feelings, no emotions.

I am growing to loathe the feeling of sitting still doing nothing feeling nothing - I feel like I might go stale doing so. Like these fresh capsicums here, I would rather be cooked and served hot than to end my life as a stale being at the very same place.

Labels: Emo-ing, Just Me, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 11:29 PM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Wednesday, March 11, 2009Y

21 years on

This was the picture of me back when I was 1 year old.

In between then and now,

I walked and scrapped my knees.

I was given a sister with wobbly cheeks.

I bullied and was bullied in primary school.

I fought in songs and punches with my sister.

I made friends whom I will never forget and whom I would rather forget.

I lost and found my confidence.

I felt alone and defeated before learning to pick myself up.

I wanted the wrong things in life.

I succumbed to pride before learning to be humble.

I loved and learnt from a broken heart.

I indulged in lots of dreams and am still dreaming.

I saw and heard from different cultures.

I learnt to laugh at my own mistakes.

I learnt to reach out and rely on others.

I learnt to love myself.

This is the latest picture I took of myself.

21 years on, I must say, I look pretty darn happy :-)

And I am still learning.

Labels: Emo-ing, Just Me, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 3:20 PM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Monday, March 09, 2009Y

I See Myself

The clock is always ticking away.

As you sit and ponder over yes or no. As you hesitate or doubt. As you hold back or suppress.

An action. A decision.

Can take ages.

If you are lucky, you end up regretting over the time you took.

If you are unlucky, you end up regretting losing it all.

I came upon this line in an article the other day: Most of the things you regret are those which you did not do.

I am in awe with this statement. Where is the boldness or energy I had before this?

"I gave up my dreams and 'what-could-have-beens' for a stable, 9to5 life" - I heard this from two of my friends.

I guess as you age, you start thinking, evaluating, learning about and questioning yourself more.

What I thought about, how my evaluation was, what I learnt of and what questions I asked - they all always lead to one conclusion.

I should appreciate myself more.

I should love myself more.

Labels: Emo-ing, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 11:51 AM

0 teased me

Post a Comment

Just So

Just So.

What ends with a relationship?

The feeling of togetherness.

The ready support and encouragement.

The much needed assurance.

The beauty of give and take.

The willingness to sacrifice for one another.

The faith in every word from the other.

The ability to stand together.

The future imagined together.

The person and his or her everything.

That is when you know a relationship is alive.

Not by mere words of "You are my love/girlfriend/boyfriend" or "I want to see you happy all the time". These words are like sand - a whole desert of them but none grasp-able if not held on tightly. So common, yet so overlooked.

Labels: Emo-ing, Serious thoughts.

indulged at 2:24 AM

0 teased me

Post a Comment